Off the Record (OTR)

OTR 2017 NFL Mock Draft

Welcome back to our first installment in seven years of OTR’s Annual NFL Mock Draft. Many people have come up to us and said that we have the best mock drafts, believe us. Happens all the time, folks. There’s no good mock drafts anymore and we have the best mock drafts.

What separates us from other mock drafts is that we don’t miss a single pick or trade. Those other fake news mock draft sites are just guessing. They are losers.

Photo Caption: Where does DeShaun Watson think he’ll get drafted?

So, let’s get started (we highly encourage betting money – lots of money – in Las Vegas on all of these picks):

1. Cleveland Browns, Joe Mixon, RB Oklahoma: It’s easy to say that most other teams moved Mixon way down their draft boards, and that there is no reason to take him this high. Really easy to say. We just said it and we’re still sitting on the couch. Many teams have him off of their draft boards completely because of his propensity to hit women. But, any good NFL general manager will tell you that if you love a guy, you make sure you get him. The Browns desperately need a running back and Mixon falls right into their laps at No. 1.

2. San Francisco 49ers, Myles Garrett, DE/LB Texas A&M: The San Francisco 49ers stick to their plan in taking the best player available. Little known fact about the Niners organization is they don’t use stop watches. They use the highly successful – and rarely used – Mississippi Method. Garrett was rumored to have run a 40 in 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi, 5 Mississippi.  It’s not official, but it could have happened.

3. Chicago Bears, Mitch Trubisky, QB UNC: Mitch has decided he wants to change his name. So, Mitchell Trubiskell it is. Rumors from the NFL Combine are that Mitchell didn’t interview well with teams. Instead of discussing football-related topics, Mitchell insisted on telling awful stories that went nowhere and bored scouts throughout the league. Like this one time, he was at CVS to only buy toothpaste and he ended up buying deodorant and shampoo and completely forgot to get toothpaste.

4. Jacksonville Jaguars, Malik Hooker, S Ohio State: The Jaguars are an elite safety away from the Super Bowl. This pick makes sense. Some NFL insiders worry that it makes too much sense.

5. Tennessee Titans, Jamal Adams, S LSU: It will be an interesting locker room dynamic in Tennessee when the Titans draft Adams. He still blames DeMarco Murray for ruining his 2015 fantasy football season, which forced him to play FanDuel earlier in the season than he wanted. He also thinks Jurrell Casey is an Uncle Tom, but refuses to say why. He knows why.

6. New York Jets, Solomon Thomas, DE Stanford: When you cut your best wide receiver, have no quarterback whatsoever, a lousy secondary and three excellent defensive linemen, you have to stick with what’s working.

7. Los Angeles Chargers, Taco Charlton, DE Michigan: Many NFL executives are troubled by Charlton’s off-the-field problems in college with frat brothers. He rushed several fraternities during his years at Michigan, but always dropped out and quit after they all insisted his rush name be “Pink.” The Chargers think their local frat brothers are cooler than that. Seriously, the Chargers don’t like frats either, but these guys are totally chill.

8. Carolina Panthers, Cam Robinson, OT Alabama: Oh yeah. How great is Cam Robinson? Pretty great. He doesn’t care.

9. Cincinnati Bengals, Dalvin Cook, RB Florida State: The Bengals have a colossal dildo quota and it’s currently in jeopardy. They need at least one colossal dildo on their roster at all times, and there has been talk of them parting company with Pacman Jones. If that happens, they would need Cook to fill that role, even though they already have Gio Bernard and Jeremy Hill at running back. The dildo quota is far more important. And besides, there is no video of him hitting that woman outside of the Tallahassee bar, so it really isn’t a big deal at all.

Photo Caption: Pretty sure Dalvin did this too, there just isn’t any video of it.

10. Buffalo Bills, Mike Williams, WR Clemson:  Clemson is still considering putting the franchise tag on Mike Williams to keep him as a Tiger for one more season. This would prevent him from being drafted in 2017. If Clemson does not put the tag on Williams, look for Buffalo to make him their selection, unless they draft someone completely different.

11. Cleveland Browns (from New Orleans), Joe Mixon, RB Oklahoma: Yes, the Browns already drafted Mixon, but they’d like to get a deal. Drafting him again gives them bargaining power with the slotting system, and also reduces the risk of drafting a different bust. So, when Mixon’s agent demands X amount of dollars for being the top pick in the draft, Hue Jackson can say, “well, yes and no.”

12. New Orleans Saints (from Cleveland), John Ross, WR Washington: John Ross became a combine favorite this year when he ran a 1.36 forty breaking all the records ever set in every category ever made. Many question his route routing abilities, but when you run almost four times as fast as the guy covering you it doesn’t matter. Catching touchdowns for the Saints will be a Brees.

13. Arizona Cardinals, Jabril Peppers, S Michigan:  What’s to say about Jabril Peppers? Please post it in comments?

14. Philadelphia Eagles, Freddie Stevenson, FB Florida State: When arguably the best fullback in college is still available at number 14, you have to take him. The Eagles are really excited about this pick. They haven’t drafted a Freddie in the first round since they selected Freddie Mitchell with their 25th pick in 2001. If Philadelphia can get half the production from Stevenson as Mitchell provided, look for him to get cut in four years, appear on Millionaire Matchmaker, and get indicted on federal tax fraud charges.

15. Indianapolis Colts, Garrett Bolles, OT Utah: Garett’s junior year at Utah could have been one of the toughest years of his life. Publically, coming out as one of the first transposition players in the sport of football.  He was born a wide receiver, but at the early age of seven Garrett had successful transpositional surgery to become an offensive tackle. Garrett enters the draft as one of the best pass-catching offensive tackles in the draft.

16. Baltimore Ravens, Marshon Lattimore, CB Ohio State:  Marshon loves to do lunges. He’s been known to carry 70 pound dumbbells with him to class (when he went). Not only carry them, but lunge to class with them. A guy named Pete carried his books to class while he lunged. Pete was paid $10,000 per year by the football program to carry books for their football players for reasons like Marshon’s. The Ohio State program is currently under investigation for paying Pete and could face sanctions from the NCAA. Not smart.

17. Washington Redskins, Christian McCaffrey, RB Stanford:  McCaffrey’s junior year was phenomenal, following a sophomore year which was also phenomenal. He was quoted saying he felt ‘born again’ over the last two years, making him the only born-again Christian to ever toss Trojans aside while scoring.

18. Tennessee Titans, Corey Davis, WR Western Michigan:  Corey Davis is hoping his NFL career can catapult him to his real dream, Dancing With The Stars. In the following years, fans will see Corey performing the Tango, the Salsa, the Samba, the Charleston, and many other types of dance for every first-down catch. He will also lead the league in unsportsmanlike penalties. Way too much dancing.

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, OJ Howard, TE Alabama:  O’Terrius Jabari, also known as OJ, makes this Tampa Bay offense as potent as an edible rice crispy treat jam packed with large amounts of marijuana. We expect by Week One all of them will be suspended four games for substance abuse. They shouldn’t have consumed the rice crispy treats. It was only supposed to be a metaphor. Very costly mistake.

20. Denver Broncos, Leonard Fournette, RB LSU:  Arguably one of the best talents in the draft, but he still has an iPhone 5s. Him dropping to 20 may have a lot to do with that. The NFL is more of an iPhone 7 or Samsung Galaxy S8 league. Why does Leonard seem to run out of power in the 4th quarter? iPhone 5s? Get with the times, Leonard.

21. Detroit Lions, DeShaun Watson, Clemson QB:  Nobody saw this coming. Not even Detroit. They didn’t even make this selection. They made the call to the NFL office and made Teez Tabor their pick. However, the NFL office thought they heard them say DeShaun Watson. Rule 345B-1Q of the NFL Draft specifically states that in the event an NFL organization can’t pronounce the name of their draft selection in a clear and concise manner, then the NFL will draft a player who they thought they heard. Therefore, DeShaun to DeTroit.  Consequentially, DeTroit (not wanting to piss DeShaun off) is stating they had every intention to draft him. Stafford is now pissed. It’s a mess in DeTroit.

22. Miami Dolphins, Jonathan Allen, DE/DT Alabama:  Little known fact about Allen is he sees dead people. Literally. He works part time at a morgue. The Broncos were considering taking him at 20, but John Elway thought he was a stiff.

23. New York Giants, Zach Cunningham, LB Vanderbilt:  On Eli Manning’s Facebook page, Zach Cunningham’s official, NFL-game-used footballs are already up for sale. Reasonably priced too. As Eli always says, “it’s never too early to start thinking about Christmas.”

24. Oakland Raiders, Jarrad Davis, LB Florida: Jarrad Davis falls all the way to the Raiders at No. 24 because his parents chose not to vaccinate him. It’s not just injuries that teams worry about with him, but also the chance that he could acquire a previously eradicated disease like Polio.

25. Houston Texans, Pat Mahomes, QB Texas Tech:  Pat is completely capable of hitting the broadside of a barn. However, hitting any objects lesser in size is questionable, unless that lesser in size object is an opposing defender. Great pick here at 25.

26. Seattle Seahawks, Ryan Ramcyzk, OT Wisconsin: Growing up as a boy, Ryan was much younger than he is today. The Seahawks love his maturity. He occasionally gives up a sack, misses an assignment, trips the QB by stepping on his foot by mistake, holds, illegally uses his hands in a defender’s face, misses practice for ‘family reasons,’ gets in practice skirmishes with defensive teammates, yells at coaches, undermines play-calling and once punched a referee, but it’s really not that bad. He’s grown so much.
Oh man, you should have seen him as a kid.

27. Kansas City Chiefs, Reuben Foster, LB Alabama:  How the heck did this guy drop to number 27 to the Chiefs? Maybe its because he spent five years in jail for insider trading? Maybe it’s because of all those pictures with him posing with drug paraphernalia? Or maybe it’s because we did this draft selection by picking names out of a hat? Nobody will ever know.

28. Dallas Cowboys, DeShone Kizer, QB Notre Dame: Very interesting and confusing pick here. Apparently, Jerry Jones had no idea that DeShone Kizer played quarterback. After the selection, Jones was quoted saying, “Oh, I thought you said CORN-ER-BACK.” A bunch of expletives followed, someone was fired, and Ezkiel Elliot was seen fondling an intern.

29. Green Bay Packers, Derek Barnett, DE Tennessee: Barnett’s edge speed can be completely overstated or understated and it depends entirely on who is doing the talking.

30. Pittsburgh Steelers, Takkarist McKinley, DE/OLB UCLA:  Takkarist annoyed the hell out of the UCLA locker room with his continuous talks about repealing and replacing Obamacare despite not being able to explain why and not being able to present any solutions. However, with a very right-winged Steeler team, McKinley will find a home to preach.  This is probably why Takkarist at 30 makes the most sense.

31. Atlanta Falcons, Teez Tabor, CB Florida:  Hashtag bust.

32. New Orleans Saints, Brandin Cooks, WR, Oregon State: When the Saints traded away Brandin Cooks earlier this offseason, many in the organization had a “what in the hell are you doing?!” moment. But, Sean Payton told them to relax because they could just draft him again with the pick they just got in exchange for him. He said this after he hung up the phone with the Patriots, with 11 empty Coors Light cans on his desk.

ROUND 2, Pick 33.  Cleveland Browns, Caleb Brantley, DT, Florida: Six months ago, Dee Haslam forwarded to her husband Jimmy a Groupon for counseling sessions. With the thought of bringing back Johnny Manziel and Josh Gordon, along with drafting Joe Mixon and Caleb Brantley, the Haslams can finally use the Groupon. Bring three troubled football stars and the fourth gets counseling for free. The lead counselor, Bernie Kosar, is very excited to help these young men with their alcohol/drug abuse and hitting women problems. Cost savings will go towards revamping the Brown’s training facility and getting rid of all the MRSA.

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