Off the Record (OTR)

Donald Trump’s 2017 NFL Mock Draft

We are very fortunate here at OTR. We occasionally get some scoops and this might be our best yet. We got the President of the United States – yes, Mr. Donald Trump – to write up his 2017 NFL Mock Draft exclusively for us. In an age where there are millions of mock drafts out there, we were able to secure the best one. It’s right here, and without further ado, here is the POTUS’s 2017 NFL Mock Draft:

Donald Trump’s 2017 NFL Mock Draft

I have great mock drafts, the best. People come up to me all the time after the NFL Draft and say, ‘you were exactly right. All of your picks were right. You knew the whole time.’ And I say them, “uh duh!” And it’s true. I say that. I do. Right to their faces.

As you know, I don’t waste time. Let’s get to my phenomenal, fantastic mock draft! Round one!

1. Cleveland Browns, DeShone Kizer, QB Notre Dame: First off, let me tell you that if I was going to deport an NFL franchise, it would be the Cleveland Browns, believe me. They pick first for a reason, folks, okay? They pick first all the time. They’ve had the first pick every year for the last 20 years, believe me. They do horrible things.

Secondly, there are a lot of black quarterbacks these days. Tons. If you want one, you can literally have one! I met DeShone once and you literally would not believe how well he speaks. It’s amazing. He speaks in normal English. It’s true. And he was very nice to me when we met. He said amazing things about me. He said I was the best president we’ve ever had. Ever. He grew up as a gang member in Chicago and now he’s the first pick in the draft. Amazing!

2. San Francisco 49ers, DeShaun Watson, QB Clemson: See? I wasn’t kidding. They are all over the place, folks!

3. Chicago Bears, Mitchell Trubisky, QB UNC: There is a reason so many people are killing each other in Chicago, folks. 6,593 people were murdered in Chicago last week! And it’s because the Bears are a disaster! But, this is my favorite quarterback taken so far. I can’t believe he fell this far. He’s going to do great things. Black quarterbacks are taking jobs from white quarterbacks, believe me. There are now 214 black quarterbacks in the NFL. 214! Compare that with only four white quarterbacks in the entire league. Very UNFAIR!

4. Jacksonville Jaguars, Jamal Adams, S LSU: My point is that white quarterbacks win, okay? Trust me, I’ve known a lot of white quarterbacks. I’ve met a lot and they’ve all told me they just want to win, believe me. I never liked Doug Williams. Very overrated. Did a lot of bad things. Nasty man!

5. Tennessee Titans, Myles Garrett, LB/DE Texas A&M: The Titans have the fifth pick because of an amazing deal they made with the Rams. They make the best deals. Such amazing deals. Believe me. In the last three games of his college career, Garrett had 147 sacks. He’s going to do a tremendous job.

6. New York Jets, Solomon Thomas, DE Stanford: This is a terrible selection. The worst. Why? The Jets are a disgrace, folks. They have Sheldon Richardson and Muhammad Wilkerson. They don’t even play a 4-3…okay? A lot of people don’t know this, but I do, because I know these things: The Jets don’t even play in New York! You probably didn’t know that! Total FRAUD!

7. Los Angeles Chargers, Corey Davis, WR Western Michigan: Corey Davis won’t run the 40-yard dash? Why? What’s he hiding, folks? He’s probably one of the slow ones. You know exactly what I’m talking about. You may like slow receivers, but I prefer fast receivers, okay? Very stupid pick by the Chargers, and very disrespectful to the fine people of Los Angeles. Terrible!!

8. Carolina Panthers, Teez Tabor, CB Florida: I guess my biggest problem here is the guy making the pick. Ron Rivera is Mexican, folks. He shouldn’t even be allowed in the United States. It’s true! He has a team full of bad hombres that runs around before games with baseball bats. NOT SAFE!

9. Cincinnati Bengals, Malik Hooker, S Ohio State: Malik Hooker is very lazy. Lazy Malik. I’ve had people tell me he was born in the Sudan. It’s true, he’s an immigrant, folks. Bad dude! Stay away from my locker room!

10. Buffalo Bills, Mike Williams, WR Clemson: Speaking of locker room talk, Rex Ryan is a pig, okay? You wouldn’t believe the things he’s said on the golf course. He’s a loser. He’s not fit to be an NFL coach, and if I were running the Bills, I’d have fired him. Disgusting!

11. New Orleans Saints, Jonathan Allen, DL Alabama: The Saints have been saying they want to beef up their secondary. They’ve publicly said they want to improve their secondary. And then they go and draft a defensive tackle! VERY dishonest! Sean Payton is FAKE NEWS!

12. Cleveland Browns, Joe Mixon, RB Oklahoma: Mixon needs a second chance, just like that Miss America broad a few years ago that I gave a second chance. It was very nice of me. Did you see the can on her? It was amazing. I would literally drink beer poured down through the crack of her backside right after she did two hours of cardio. Literally, I would. But, I don’t drink so I wouldn’t. Always sober!

13. Arizona Cardinals, Ryan Ramczyk, OT Wisconsin: They need to build a wall folks. Carson Palmer is a white quarterback and they need to protect him with a wall. Keep him safe! You’ve got black players coming across the line of scrimmage and no one checks them. No one knows who they are and they do a lot of bad things. The Cardinals need to find a way to stop these players because there are illegals running around all over the state of Arizona. It has to stop!

14. Philadelphia Eagles, Leonard Fournette, RB LSU: The Eagles were very smart to deport Mark Sanchez back to his native country (some VERY Hispanic place). Illegals are a huge economic drain on the salary cap. If he can come back to the country legally, I’ll be happy to let him washes dishes at HIS CHOICE of Trump restaurants.

15. Indianapolis Colts, Zach Cunningham, LB Vanderbilt: I always joke with Pence that Indiana is a colossal dump and I ask him why anyone would ever go there. He gets so pissed! They are lazy people, folks. You can literally tell them anything you want and they believe you. I won Indiana easily and I can’t even find it on a map!

16. Baltimore Ravens, Dalvin Cook, RB Florida State: So, Dalvin punched a broad outside of a bar? No one hates domestic violence more than me, believe me. I’m the least likely person ever to hit a woman, trust me. I would never do it. But, there are times when they deserve it. I told you I didn’t care about your supermarket story 10 minutes ago! ZIP IT!

17. Washington Redskins, Takkarist McKinley, OLB UCLA: First off, folks, “Takkarist” sounds an awful lot like “terrorist.” It’s pretty much the same thing. And I’ve had people tell me there are ISIS terror cells all over the UCLA campus. It’s true, believe me. This hombre better hope he’s not a Muslim terrorist and we’ll hope it’s just one of those black names. Not in my country!

Photo Caption: Students heading to class at UCLA, trust me.

18. Tennessee Titans, Quincy Wilson, CB Florida: The Titans have never been the same since that Iranian terrorist broad killed their quarterback. It’s true. If that didn’t happen, he’d still be their superstar quarterback. We’ll never know!

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, John Ross, WR Washington: One thing I’ll say about all black people is that they are extremely fast. They are the best runners. So fast, folks. And John Ross is considered to be one of the fastest blacks. Ben Carson tells me how fast he is all the time. He would know! GREAT PICK!

20. Denver Broncos, Marshon Lattimore, CB Ohio State: This is the problem with heavy, serious drugs like marijuana. You get addicted, folks. You can’t stop. Pretty soon, you get so high that you’re drafting a cornerback when you don’t need one. There are white quarterbacks still on the board! Denver needs to GET SMART!

21. Detroit Lions, Derek Barnett, DE Tennessee: Ever saved the auto industry in Detroit? I did. It was collapsing and I saved all the jobs. Every last one of them! Jobs are coming back to Detroit folks, believe me. The Lions should be very happy they have jobs. They were DAYS, from becoming the Punta Cana Lions, folks. Not good!

22. Miami Dolphins, O.J. Howard, TE Alabama: Look, I know more about O.J. Howard than the scouts do, okay? And he does a lot of things. He does some good things, maybe some of those things aren’t very good. But, he does a lot of things. The Dolphins need him to do more good things than bad things.

23. New York Giants, Christian McCaffrey, RB Stanford: I know what you’re thinking about this pick: What is Stanford? No one has ever heard of Stanford. No-name school! And you’re exactly right. What are the Giants thinking? Taking a white player at a black position from a school no one’s ever heard of? Not smart!

24. Oakland Raiders, Marlon Humphrey, CB Alabama: There’s a lot of you-know-what’s in Oakland, folks. Let’s just say there’s one more after this pick, believe me. Lighten up, Oakland!

25. Houston Texans, Josh Harvey-Clemons, S Louisville: I have no idea who this is, folks. None. I’ve never spoken to him. This is just what they told me. I’m sure he’ll do a great job. Didn’t know the state of Louisville had a football team!

26. Seattle Seahawks, Forrest Lamp, G Western Kentucky: They said ‘there is no way you can have the Seahawks taking Lamp in the first round.’ But, I did. I did it. They said I couldn’t do it and I did. And I think a lot of people are going to be saying things in the next couple weeks.

27. Kansas City Chiefs, Haason Reddick, OLB Temple: Awful pick. The worst. You don’t have to know much about the NFL to know there aren’t many Jews in it. For a reason! And who goes to Temple? Jews! Lousy pick!

28. Dallas Cowboys, Chidobe Awuzie, CB Colorado: Great, another black name. Awuzie is a very lazy player, as you probably expect (his name gives it away). I once watched a game where he took a nap on his own 38-yard line! During the play! It’s true, folks. I watched it on television and people couldn’t believe it. The announcers couldn’t believe it. It was unbelievable. Stay awake!

29. Green Bay Packers, Evan Engram, TE Ole Miss: It was like the game had stopped. He just kept on napping until Oklahoma took a sack and had to punt. If I was that coach I’d have woken him up, believe me, folks. Who takes a nap during a football game? Those types, that’s who!

30. Pittsburgh Steelers, T.J. Watt, OLB Wisconsin: T.J. Watt is a total disaster. He’s terrible. Maybe the worst pick I’ve ever seen.

31. Atlanta Falcons, Charles Harris, DE Missouri: The Atlanta Falcons are a mess, folks. Total disaster! They are the Obamacare of the NFL. And people come up to me and say, ‘but they were just in the Super Bowl. They should have won.’ But, they didn’t. They are losers. I prefer teams that win the Super Bowl, okay? A lot of awful teams have been in the Super Bowl. Total failure!

32. New Orleans Saints, Patrick Mahomes, QB Texas Tech: Most people don’t know this, but New Orleans still hasn’t recovered from Hurricane Katrina. Total disaster and Obama did a terrible job when it happened. The worst. I can clean up New Orleans, believe me. Right now more than three quarters of New Orleans is buried in at least 10 feet of water. It’s incredible, I know. They need to get some buckets and fast. There are no buckets in New Orleans! None! Terrible!

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