Marlon Jones presents his Presidential platform
- Updated: September 23, 2016
Thats it, I’ve had it. I am now throwing my hat in this election as a candidate from the Zero Fucks Given party.
Here’s the platform:
Marriage – if your ass is a consenting adult, and you want to marry a consenting adult, I gives zero fucks. Go get married, same sex, different race, different religion, knock yourself out, you ain’t affecting no one’s day today, congrats on your nuptials.
Marijuana legalization? Welp, seeing the surplus of money floating around in Washington and Colorado, crime has gone down in those states, a scientific fact of its medicinal purposes for terminally ill patients, the benefits and many uses of hemp, the fact that tobacco and alcohol – both inherently more dangerous than marijuana – is legal, fuck it, it will be legal to blaze one up. That extra money will be invested in our schools and VA’s across the country, both need major fixing. And frankly, if there is any country that needs the chill-the-fuck-out benefits of the chronic, it’s this one.
Best believe we are going to drill and frack our shit ton of oil and natural gas in this country, get some refineries built in this bitch, too. Energy independence and a plethora of jobs will flow like Niagara. Don’t worry, I will lead the cause to alternative energies as well, clean, green, whatever the fuck you wanna call it, shit, will even give tax breaks, incentives to citizens and businesses that use alternative energy, believe that.
But, there is a ton of crude that’s been sitting in our ground for millions of years, it’s still needed and I do think the Saudis need the middle finger from us regarding oil. Won’t be able to strong arm us anymore regarding this much-needed resource, we have more than enough, enjoy this bag of dicks, Mr. Sultan.
Enjoy those firearms, 2nd amendment says we have the right, and I agree. Just know though, if you decide you want to exercise your freedom with some military-like automatic weapons, I will make life difficult for yo ass to get ’em. Not saying you can’t have them, but you will bend over, the rubber gloves are coming on, and you will be thoroughly checked to make sure you are good to purchase. If you are law abiding, this shouldn’t be an issue.
You have to have a CDL to drive a tractor trailer and be qualified to drive one, don’t see why similar, muthafucking common sense logic can’t be applied for the purchase of an AK-47 for your, umm, recreational use.
Minimum wage will be raised. To what? Not sure. But, affordable wages for hard working Americans really shouldn’t be an issue. If you work 40 hours a week, you should be able to live somewhat stress free.
Health care should be mandatory in this bitch, maybe the extra money from the weed sales can be doled out to help pay for it? I’ll work on that.
Gotta invest in higher education. Used to be a world leader, now we are a laughingstock. Apple, Google, etc are looking overseas for talent instead of the homegrown students, that’s a problem. What’s the point of investing in four+ years of extra education, only to graduate with 10+ years of paying off debt? How the fuck does that make sense? No, it shouldn’t be free, but $60,000 debt to graduate in a tough job market?
Immigration? Fuck a wall, read what it says on the Statue of Liberty, shit still rings true. If you are here illegally now, I’ll give you a month or so to start the process to get legal, or you gots to go. Enter illegally after? Well, if we find you, you gots to go.
Have to invest in a competent vetting system, upgrade the process. If you are the child of an illegal but get through the education system, graduate, earn college admission, congrats, you’ve earned it. Can’t fault a law abiding child who didn’t have a choice in the matter. But if you stay outta trouble and earned what you earned, you get what you earned, period.
Taxes? Shit, just pay a % of what you earn. If you make six figures, you’ll pay a bit more than someone earning $30,000 a year, makes sense to me. Any major corporation that doesn’t offer health care benefits to their employees and manufactures goods overseas, say goodbye to your tax breaks. Looking at yo ass, Walmart. Make goods here, employ here, period.
ISIS? Terrorism? Say goodbye, I’m changing the rules of engagement on that ass, make use of our “hunters” Special Forces, find you and kill you. I’ll work the shit out with Geneva later, but we will be going in with a purpose and the purpose is to find you and murder the shit out of you. You’re welcome, world.
Yup, write my ass in on the ballot, because quite honestly, I can’t be any worse than these two incompetent ass clowns.
You know my name, Zero Fucks Given Party, and I approve this message.
Enjoy your Friday, bitches…