Off the Record (OTR)

Dickipedia: George Steinbrenner

Again…let us preface this with we did NOT write this. This is from Dickipedia.org. We just happen to think it’s funny so we post it. The original is here.

George Steinbrenner
From Dickipedia – A Wiki of Dicks

George Steinbrenner (born July 4, 1930 in Rocky River, Ohio) often known as “The Boss”, is an American entrepreneur, the principal owner of the New York Yankees, the guy who ruined baseball, and a dick.

GeorgeSteinbrenner

Early Life

The son of a German shipping magnate, Steinbrenner was born and raised in the suburbs of Cleveland, Ohio, making him the “mistake by the lake’s mistake.” In 2004, Cleveland was crowned America’s “most tortured sports city” by ESPN, due to their having to live with the stain of being Steinbrenner’s hometown. Though now too old, fat and angry to do so, Steinbrenner he ran track and played football and also sang in the choir at Culver Military Academy in Indiana. He is not known for his lilting tenor.

Professional Life

On January 3, 1973, a group of investors led by Steinbrenner and minority partner Michael Burke bought the Yankees from CBS for $8.7 million. During Darth Steinbrenner’s ownership, the longest in Yankee history, this “evil empire” has won 10 pennants and 6 World Series titles.

In 1974, Steinbrenner signed pitcher Catfish Hunter to a five year $3.25 million contract, the first multi million-dollar contract in Major League Baseball history and the largest sum of money ever paid to a person named after a fish. With this deal, Steinbrenner set in motion a series of events that would ultimately ruin Major League Baseball. Prior to 1974, no one in baseball had ever heard the words “labor strike,” “product endorsement,” or “Creatine.”

In his first 23 seasons as owner, Steinbrenner changed managers 20 times (including firing Billy Martin five times and re-hiring him four times). He also changed general managers 11 times in 30 years, and, during a four-month period in 1987, fired and re-hired himself 81 times.

The modern Yankee dynasty was born during their 1996 World Series win, and continued with World Series wins in 1998, 1999, and 2000. The dynasty ended in 2001 with a World Series loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks. Since then, in repeated attempts to recreate the glory of the late 1990’s, Steinbrenner has assembled a $200 million collection of underachieving misfits for him to yell at. These include memorable juicers, whiners, and potential MVPs who somehow sucked after getting a haircut and shave.

When Steinbrenner acquired Randy Johnson, making sports headlines worldwide, Johnson became the second person in the Yankees organization who could be referred to as a “Big Unit.”

Criminal Conviction and Banning

In the 1970s, Steinbrenner, apparently not satisfied with ordering around professional athletes, decided that he could treat the democratic process the same way he treats baseball, and donated money under the table money to Richard Nixon. Steinbrenner ended his political season not with a major league pennant, but by pleading guilty to illegal campaign contribution and obstruction of justice. In 1989, he was pardoned by also-dick, Ronald Reagan.

The pardon arrived just in time for Steinbrenner to be banned for life from baseball after he paid a gambler to dig up dirt on Dave Winfield, who had filed a lawsuit against him. Three years later, Steinbrenner was reinstated after he was downgraded from “raving lunatic” back to just “dick.”

Recent Years

Recently, one of Steinbrenner’s favorite pastimes has become buying your favorite player and putting him at the end of the batting order. He has also gotten really good at paying over-the-hill players too much money and then making them shave and get haircuts.

In addition to being incredibly rude to his on-field employees, Steinbrenner has also become known for bullying off-field employees. In 2002, Steinbrenner, upset with the collective-bargaining agreement, announced he would cut the dental plans of secretaries and other staff to save $100,000.

George Steinbrenner is reportedly worth $1.3 billion.

Trivia

* In ESPN’s miniseries The Bronx is Burning, he was portrayed by Oliver Platt, who played a dick on The West Wing.

* On the television series Seinfeld, Steinbrenner was voiced by Larry David, a piece of trivia that, at least once during every episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, someone mentions to someone else who already knows about it.

* As Steinbrenner’s growing senility leads to a reduced role in the franchise, his son Hank, with help from his brother Hal, will be inheriting the role of major league baseball’s biggest dick. Hank appears to be just like his father, only with the additional benefit of a wealthy New York upbringing and having had his life lessons instilled in him by his father, George Steinbrenner.

7 Comments

  1. chrisross91

    July 14, 2010 at 7:32 pm

    lawl dickipedia! Excellent post, it was a very good read for me! It is a sad time for the baseball world especially with the all star game being played on the same day, but I am also surprised at the amount of praise that the man who was once known as the most hated man in baseball. He definitely did do a lot for the New York Yankees and I'm sure the city is very grateful for it. I also kind of like/hate the fact that I have a team to hate for in the Yankees because they just buy all their players. Also you think you could take a quick look at my blog cuz I really want to know what you think. http://chrisross91.wordpress.com/2010/07/14/great

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